This 'thing' called LOVE

My love journey has been quite a ride.

I find the gift of writing very therapeutic and considering how unsettling these past days have been, I am inclined to pour everything out through my words with the hope that maybe, I can get some closure on all these... plus, help someone make the right choice.

Enjoy the read...

My bestfriend comes to me and tells me he is embittered towards women because his girlfriend had shattered his heart. I mean, not knowing what to do at the age of 15, I told him I had a crush on him but the reason why I was unable to tell him was because he was already attached to someone else.
(I said that because I didn't know what else to say and I wanted to cheer him up... that was stupid... I know)

Over the years, I tried to come out of this relationship because I knew I didn't love him... I didn't love him as a matter of choice and when I did tell him I loved him, it was more about the feelings and nothing else. On those days that I didn't feel like I loved him, I wanted out. So what kept me hooked for close to four years?

1. I practically knew his entire family and whenever I tried to come out of the relationship, I would remember them all and then get stuck.

2. For some reason, I feared that he would be badly affected and that would affect his academic pursuits.

3. The third reason was, I was in love with his future more than I was with his present. The idea of who he wanted to become in the future was enough reason for me to stay. Like me saying to myself, "He will be this... he will be that... we will be fine".

This young man loved me to bits. He gave me from the little he had. He always gave and not once did he waver in good works. Yet, I felt uncomfortable. I wasn't happy about the fact that my motives were not right and my conscience was just not giving me respite. 

So what did I do? 

Soon after I gave my life to Christ, I knew it was time to do things right. So, I broke it off with him (Well, it wasn't as straightforward as it looks but yes, we did break it off)

...that was 1...

I went to KNUST and I met this young man whose desire it was to help me on my spiritual journey. Unbeknownst to me, this man was battling with a lot of things. Anyway, what was intended for as a  spiritual guidance shifted to a love relationship between the two of us because according to him, God said I was his wife. At that time, I was what you would call, " a person of ZEAL WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE": I told him that I was sold out to whatever the Lord had for me...and I said 'yes' to him. 

Long story short, I came out of that relationship so battered, I didn't know how I managed to remain sane. I had what you would call a premature exposure and I found myself in a very very very dark place. I was a mess and I didn't need the Pope to draw my attention to it. Only God saw me through this season. 

...that was 2...

The next person I came across was because I had vowed not to meet any 'serious' Christian guy from church. I would rather meet him somewhere else than meet him in a church setting. 

(talk of screwed up!)

Well well, I did meet someone and mehnn was he physically attractive. He was a good-looking lad. Talk about sweeping you off your feet... He had quite a number of physical and intellectual attributes I would look out for in a man. But spiritually and on the basis of character, I wan't sure I wanted any of my sons to be like him. That was enough reason for me to advice myself and look elsewhere. But it wasn't that easy too. This was someone who knew how to press my buttons.

(Thank God those buttons are no longer there). I wept, I wailed, but God saw me through. Praise the Lord!

...that was 3...

Why am I sharing these intimate details with you? It is because I identified some mistakes I made concerning the issue of male-female love relationships which I want to share. They are as follows:

1. Do not enter into a relationship because of pity

Whatever condition your friend may find him/herself in, I have come to know that nothing remains the same: seasons change. Once the cause for the pity is no longer in sight, your commitment wavers. Entering a love relationship out of pity is not the best because the motive is outright wrong. And, although you feel you may be doing a favour to your friend, you will be doing a great disservice to yourself. 

2. Do not make permanent decisions out of temporary situations.

Like I said, times change. Supposing I had married this friend because of an issue that would have  had very little relevance in two years, how would I have coped? Let's do this: whenever you are tempted to take such hasty decisions, ask yourself, "Would this reason for the action I am about to take be tangible in the next 5yrs?" If the answer is no, I think you should reconsider your decision.

3. Do not let a person's future be the main reason why you choose that person

If my reason for entering into and staying in a relationship is because of the future that awaits my partner, then it means my goal isn't entirely fixed on who he is in the now. That is quite a problem. I am not against being expectant of what the future holds for him/her. But, if the guiding factor for your choice of spouse is because of or mainly concerned with the future of the person, then I think your motive is wrong. Personally, I would rather choose someone I love in the now, although I believe that he can only get better by the years. For me, this is one of the deal-breakers in choosing a spouse. If I find myself more attracted to his future than his present, I would not say 'yes'.

4. Dear Child of God, Daddy can also show you who your spouse is

Let a man/woman's confession of who you are as spouse only be a confirmation of what you already know. That is how it should be. Do not just say 'yes' to anyone who tells you that you are his/her spouse. Pray about it. Do well to seek help in praying for direction. A costly mistake will be when you pray about it alone and in the knowledge of the man/woman who gave you that 'revelation'. What if he/she manipulates you into saying you heard from God. Pray, dear and seek prayer support from trusted pillars in your life.

5. Don't compromise on character

"Oh he has a lot of money and he buys me a lot of nice things but just that he gets very angry easily and he insults me at the least provocation. He is not bad o. He cares for me". Eih sister! For how long will you keep entertaining men who disrespect and devalue you by their words and deeds? You deserve better than this. Letting go is not an easy thing, I can tell you. But, I can also say that it is the most liberating thing to do. Take it from me.

6. Flee from manipulators

They will not let you go yet they won't encourage you to be open to other friendships either. Such are they, who have something pleasant to say when they notice they are losing their hold on you and once they've got you smitten by their words or actions, coil back into their cold shells. These are very dangerous people and I advice you to be careful of these breed of people. Perhaps they do these because they may be uncertain of what they want or be scared to settle yet afraid to let go of the potential spouse they have. For such people, it is easy for you to think you are never enough or not wanted. It can be very draining, emotionally.

7. Emotional relationships are a no-no

I recall having some friends I was becoming emotionally attached to. You see, the moment you are a full-fledged single man/woman, it is easy to entertain and foster new friendships. Who knows, one might lead to the main thing...right? But, what I noticed is that entering into emotional relationships are very much likely in the season of singleness. I have also noticed that the emotional attachments or relationships I entertained in the past were mostly through instant messaging platforms such as whatsApp. You get to text eachother unlimited and this opens up your portals to be so emotionally attached to a person...even before meeting him or her. Before you know, you are hooked and cannot turn back. I am very much concerned about this trend and I see that it happens a lot to millennial women. Lord, help us. 

8. Know God for yourself

In the latter months of 2017, I came to a startling realisation that I had placed my relationship with Daddy in the hands of others. I was always being told, "God said this" and it almost always came to me as something new. Until this year, the one thing I knew I was to be doing in this season, i.e. Sharing Life, I wasn't pursuing it as much as I was pursuing other things. Truth is, there was always an amount of contrast but I often failed to pay attention to them. But my dear, you need to know Jesus for yourself and know who you are in Him or else you will be tossed to and fro by any doctrine or 'revelation'. My sister, my brother, it is time to wake up. 

Hey, I could go on and on and on on this subject of love but you know what, kindly send your questions to: sharinglifewithmag@gmail.com if you have any question that you need help in discussing. Also, if you need someone to talk to on this subject, feel free to send us an email and let's get talking. 

Know this... you are loved and you can always find the restoration you need, if you want to.

Best regards,

Mary Magdalene.