SHARING LIFE

Desire is not enough. Desire is not enough. Desire is not enough. If there be anyone with the desire to know Who God Is and to have true intimacy with Him, that would be me. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Why am I still in this desire stage? Because desire does not always bring results. You have got to press in. What do I mean by pressing in? It means 'show up'.  I realise that unlike the woman in Songs of Solomon who went out and searched and searched until she found the one in whom her soul loved, I for one did not do that. I showed up by searching...a while...and then I went back to sleep. This makes me wonder..."Was I hungry enough for God?" I don't think so. Whoever I am today has been informed by my past and so it makes me wonder whether if there is something about my growing-up that has caused me to have a very relaxed attitude to 'pressing in'. I am thinking that there should be a c...

I used to be that girl who would go through things and keep them to herself. Medically, I have had and still sometimes have episodes that I haven't shared to any doctor simply because I don't think they last long enough for me to pay much attention to. Very recently I find myself in a place where I am forced to divulge every pain or 'episode' I have had over a span of 15years.  Coming to this point means that I have to think about the possibility of death. You see, I do not fear death. I only fear dying and not having expended all the potential Daddy placed on the inside of me... this is what scares me. It would really really pain me. Aside all these, I am learning something about Who my(Our) Father Is. See, Daddy likes no superficial walk with Him. When He takes You, He goes in real deep and He brings to light all the murkiness in your life...even hidden medical issues. These things are so private that I haven't made mention of these to my parents.....

I gave my life to Jesus in the Senior High School. Soon afterwards, I was whisked into leadership because I was told that the leaders had received a word from the Lord concerning my nomination.  I felt I wasn't ready because I was going through some challenges back then. I didn't have self-control when it came to eating and my eating habits were so bad that at a point, my colleague in class and my table-mate embarrassed me pretty well.  I was told that Daddy had called me, so I went ahead and I accepted the call. I went to the University and I had this messed up "God-said-you-are-my-wife" relationship that tore me up and led me to denounce God in the process. Then I had the privilege of working for a Reverend Minister who continued to tell me that I needed growth. I didn't know what that meant...and I sincerely wished someone told me what it meant. I thought I knew what that meant later on: studying scripture, remembering scripture, keeping a blog,...

Father, how do I start again? How do I eliminate 20-something years of life and begin again? Niiella's song keeps resounding in my ear. "And if i could turn back the hands of time and take all my pain and then rewind. Go back to the place when I was a child again. And start all over with you in mind." We Both know the decisions I have taken and the way I have lived. We Both know that all I have done and all I have desired is Your will. Why do I feel lost, Papa? I can't go back to the place of my birth because I can no longer speak their language. I don't know where to go, Papa. I feel so lost, Daddy. I am scared... I reckon that it is because of my thoughts of how others see me that has made me feel inferior. I feel like my presence in the lives of some people only reeks havoc. I see myself to be the cause of how I have been treated in the past. For this reason, I fear them. Yes, I see them...and I am frie...

Daddy, where did the lioness go? I was a fighter when I was young. I never backed out of a fight. I was competitive, Father. Remember how I attacked the sports in junior high? Remember how I always voiced out my opinions without fear? I never cared what others thought of me. I never minced words and I never cared what the repercussions of my utterance were. But, Father, where did this lioness go? Remember how I attacked life? I never backed down. I was a go-getter! Daddy, where did the lioness go? I want her back. This softness, I do not like. I have become relaxed... too relaxed, in my opinion. Is this Your will? Is this who You want me to be now? If yes, then have Your way. Just know that if it isn't, then please, bring her back. ...in greater fervour.

The men... AY came; and then there was Nhyira, then Verone, then came the Pastor and then the other one who always circled in and out. Ohh... not forgetting the others who clearly had hopes.  She was in there because they saw her potential. One was direct, at least: "I see that you are one who is going to go very far in life and I want to be part of it". He said it in another way. It still was the same. It was either her beauty or the clear sight of her future... she all could tell would be great. "Who will come to me because he wants to serve me as much as I want to do same for him" "Who will say both in words and in deeds that he truly cared for her and was concerned about her future and not about what he was going to get in return?" Ohhh... there was one she didn't include. He. He had expressed love and care... in words... She wasn't willing to give in. She took her mind of it. She wasn't going to allow herself get hurt a...

"Lord, help me live today", she wrote. Her devotional this morning was about Dinah, who had been defiled by Shechem in the Books of Genesis...was it chapter 32 0r 34? one of them. The Bible devotional asked all the ladies who read to tell Daddy how hurt they were and of how much they needed Him. She did too. With shadows of her past inching closer by the second, she had to finally admit that she was broken. It has all been her fault she kept telling herself. She never was the kind to blame others for her woes. She took responsibility of it all. "It was my fault that I allowed him to fondle my breasts and kiss my body" "It was my fault that I kept going back to him every time" "He touched me...and it felt good... I shuddered at his every touch" "I brought this on myself" "It was my fault" " It was I who initiated those sexual acts with all those female cousins and friends...and one or two m...