Skip to main content

1

"Lord, help me live today", she wrote.

Her devotional this morning was about Dinah, who had been defiled by Shechem in the Books of Genesis...was it chapter 32 0r 34? one of them.

The Bible devotional asked all the ladies who read to tell Daddy how hurt they were and of how much they needed Him. She did too.

With shadows of her past inching closer by the second, she had to finally admit that she was broken. It has all been her fault she kept telling herself.
She never was the kind to blame others for her woes.
She took responsibility of it all.

"It was my fault that I allowed him to fondle my breasts and kiss my body"
"It was my fault that I kept going back to him every time"
"He touched me...and it felt good... I shuddered at his every touch"
"I brought this on myself"

"It was my fault"
" It was I who initiated those sexual acts with all those female cousins and friends...and one or two males"
"They wanted it too...but it was I who did"
"I could have said no. I could have run away. I liked the feeling I felt whenever we laid in the bed...under the blankets and did things to ourselves...never sex...just things"

"It was my fault."
"I did this to myself"
"Hiding in the room... 'playing' with myself...till it hurt."
"It was all my fault"

"And the men who passed through my world" she said..."they gave me affection... and the attention"

"They hugged me. They said they loved me"
"I was a prize they couldn't afford to lose. He called me a diamond..."


She dug deep...real deep.

"Lord, I admit. I needed affection. I thought mum and dad could give me that...especially mum. They did their best"

Her heart ached every time she saw a mother and a daughter on t.v hugging or sharing quality time.

"Father I needed that too. I needed that support and attention from a mother", her heart cried.
" I sought it from my female friends especially... in the wrong way..."

Now, she knew it was God she needed all along...even when she thought she had committed to a relationship with Him.
She didn't know that years later, she was going to have to go back to the root of the matter.

At first, she blamed her mother for pushing her away.
But then, later, she realised that no human being could have given her the kind of affection she needed, but God.


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Go With God

When I started Sharing Life, my intention was to put out what I knew Holy Spirit was teaching me. This was what He asked me to do. It wasn't to parade myself as an all-figured-out girl who was on her way to becoming a preacher.  It was a journey of life I was learning and one which I had received the go-ahead to let the world in on.  Somewhere on this road, I was seen as a "Woman of God" and put on this high and mighty pedestal which wasn't me.  And you know what, in such moments, it is so easy to get carried away by the accolades of men to the point where you lose sight of your journey, where you are and decide to serve the expectations of others... thereby neglecting your own journey and growth.  After taking a very long break from active writing, I have on numerous occasions attempted to start writing again but the fear of being put on that pedestal has stopped me so many times.  I am a child of God. I am a girl on a journey. I don't have it all f...
6 comments
Read more

An Invitation to Intimacy

  I gave my life to Jesus in St. Louis Senior High School.  I am very sure I had gone forward for altar calls many times before that. But St. Louis was different. I was conscious; I was aware of myself and my environment. I knew I needed God in my life. To be honest, the issues of life drove me to take God seriously. A friend had had a dream about her and me and the moment she shared it, I knew I had to let go of the old garment and take on the new. So, I joined the Catholic Charismatic Renewal (CCR) meetings and that was where my life changed.  That encounter led me to a great relationship with the Lord. I read the Scriptures (my favourite was the Book of Psalms because I used that to pray a lot). It was in St. Louis I learnt I was never alone (why do you think I support Liverpool FC so much?). I learnt to rely on Him alone.  When I entered the University, I realized a newfound freedom and observed (by the Grace of God) that if I didn’t take my spirituality seriousl...
2 comments
Read more

My journey with Holy Spirit

This might probably be the longest I will ever publish. Here we go... Senior High School I started my relationship with Holy Spirit in St. Louis Senior High School. At that time, my father was going through a bit of a struggle and I didn't want to be a burden to him. I had made a terrible decision to combine my chopbox with a friend's and when my provisions finished, I couldn't call home. I was sad and I remembered that daddy had told me that if I ever wanted to change and be a better human, I should start by reading the "Book of Proverbs".  I came across Wisdom and I prayed for that Friendship and then someway somehow, I believed that I was never alone and that I had a Friend with me and that was when I starting fellowshiping with Holy Spirit.     Prior to this, I remember when I was in class 6, I heard Someone share His heart with me. He asked me, " Why is it that when people have problems, they tell their friends about it and then their fr...
2 comments
Read more