Have you ever felt tears well up in your chest so hard and heavy that you know you could easily burst into heaves of tears in any given moment? I had one of such moments today.
The first reading at Mass today was from the Book of Jeremiah 17:5-8 and there is a portion that talks about how accursed is the man who puts his trust in man and in his own strength. It talks about the dryness such a man encounters and how this man will never see prosperity.
I was convicted by this Scripture because it showed so clearly that the condition of my heart has been like one of such a man. Why am I saying so?
Aside getting my second degree, I am trying to be intentional about my Spiritual growth and about music ministry in church. Basically, I am trying to be intentional about becoming. ("Becoming" is the expression I give to my quest to attain my fullest expression as His daughter).
...but that has just been the problem... "I am trying to become"
Having that sense and intention to become and doing all I can to become put me in a place where the quest had lost all the pleasure and excitement that it had had in the beginning when I started this journey with Holy Spirit.
I felt like I had to figure things out and do my best to get things right to the extent that the pursuit lost its freshness and joy.
Today, during prayer in church, I heard him whisper into my heart, "but We used to be friends..." and in that moment, I just knew what He meant. I remember those times when We could just talk... about anything.
He was my friend; the only One I spoke to about my insecurities and my concerns.
Whenever I didn't know what to do, I remember how I would find somewhere to hide and tell Him everything. He always wanted to know what was on my heart and what was going on with me.
He gave me perspective on everything and He always always pieced everything together.
In the months that have passed, I noticed I had tried to be tough in the face of every obstacle and the more I tried to figure out this journey by myself, the more silent I became and the more sidelined I made Him feel.
And so when He made that statement, it hit home so hard that I wanted to break down in tears.
I am learning what it means to be recklessly abandoned unto Him.
One of the things I need to come to terms with is the fact that I am different and my relationship with Him is not exactly like everyone else'. There is a lot I need to learn but I have a Friend Who never went away but was always around. It was I who kept silent and thought I could figure out everything by myself.
It is always fun and better when We do things together.
We will take things a day at a time.
Amen.
You've had interesting times. This reminded me of an experience I had in a trotro en route to school last year. Apparently, I was having unanswered questions about the Will of God regarding life issues. As I sat in this trotro, I pondered how difficult it is to find the Will of God...God, why is your will difficult to find?...if fact I was actually getting frustrated because I was not seeing the head and tail of the Will of God on life's issues pertaining to me. As I relaxed in the seat and it came like the dewdrop falling on the leaf...gently came the whisper: "You ignored me, the Holy Spirit". Like an address I was listening to, it came...it is the spirit in a man that knows all there is in that man...likewise it is the Spirit in God that knows all the hidden things of God...I am the Spirit of Truth...I am the one who reveals the truth you're seeking...get along with me. At that moment, it became clear what I needed to do...it is well koraaa
ReplyDelete#MyTrotroExperience
This got a little emotional with me! "Becoming" has been something i haven't really done, but sharing my insecurities have been something, yet i believe we can get back in fellowship with Him for He always will be around for me [for "us"]. Learning to rely on the Holy Spirit will be a Great Experience and a joyful ride we all would come to enjoy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Sharing Life..