I have made my bed in this quagmire for so long I think it is now time for me to get up.
In this post, I am not going to try to have the right words but I will write as I feel it.
It took a lot to close this chapter.
It took more than a year and I don't know why I had such a tough time letting go.
We never were physical (thank God) but it amazes me how long it has taken me to get to this point.
I think the reason for this is that I connected with your spirit.
I don't know how that works but with you, I felt like I had always known you.
You always were a part of me and I didn't have to try so hard.
With you, I just flowed.
I was caught in your words.
You words built in me a security which assured me that no matter what happened, we were always going to end up with each other.
These same words became my prison sentence because whenever I had wanted to move on and let someone new in, I would be reminded of those words, haunting me and telling me my efforts were in futility.
It has taken a lot to get to this point.
In this process, I have gone blank for months.
I have been a walking dead, going through the motions of life oblivious to what was happening around me.
I planned my life around you.
I wanted to be everything you needed and more.
Letting go, I have had to question the voice of God in my life.
There were times when I thought I was fine so long as I had you in my life.
I made a man God.
I denied my voice expression and I tried to conform to the image you had of me.
But you are not my God.
Why did I give you so much power?
It is because I loved you.
For the first time, I had a love I didn't see coming.
A love I was so sure of.
A love I believe I had heard the Lord's 'yes' concerning.
This time, I didn't go asking for signs.
The signs came to me.
And these signs cemented my resolve that this was of God.
I was so secure and safe knowing I had that part of my life sorted out.
It really has taken a lot for me to get to this point.
To this point where I can write about this and feel no fear.
I let go of who I was just so I could be yours.
I really wanted to serve you.
I wanted to treat you like a King and make sure you had no worries so long as it was in my capacity to do so.
Now here I am, talking about how hard it has taken me to get to this moment.
To be honest, I wished you unhappiness.
I wanted you to be happy but at the same time, I hoped that in your happiness, you would feel a sharp pain in your heart, reminding you of how incomplete this happiness is because I am not in your life.
Yes, here again, I am leaving the recognition of my worth in your hands, hoping that this perceived emptiness would validate my absence in your life.
I gave you my choice. Lord knows in secret, every action, every thought, every prayer, every intention.
My heart has been numbed for years.
My spirit has been quiet for years.
I have been so silent in spirit to the point where this silence is deafening.
My heart is speaking today.
I have doubted my Lord's voice for years.
I have questioned everything I've known, from ministry to my purpose on Earth.
I have lifted hands with a mute spirit.
There have been times when my spirit has wanted to connect to His but has been unable to.
Can I trust His voice?
Is this an Abraham story in Scripture where the Lord says one thing and changes His mind at the last minute?
I stayed long and let go late because I was holding on to what I had believed I heard from Him.
I'm not gonna lie, there were times when I hoped you would call me and say, "You know what? I was wrong and I need you in my life. I choose YOU".
But you know what, you can't force love.
But I only wish you hadn't awoken my love when you knew you had no intentions of keeping the lamp aflame.
I wish you hadn't said, "Let go" when I was holding back if you knew you weren't going to catch me when I did let go.
You saw the fragility of my heart, you saw the purity of my love and you made a choice to play with it. As if "get over it" was that simple.
Love is not a switch you can turn on and off at your convenience.
I have wished you unhappiness.
I have wished that you never forget how you ridiculed my heart for you.
I have wished that when I leave, you wouldn't find joy/happiness because I feared it would mean I was a bad person and it was right I left your life so that blessings would come your way. I didn't want my departure to be a good thing.
But, the thing is you are a Son of God too and so Scripture will abound for you and all things will work for your good.
I am washing myself off the mud I have slept in for all these years because I have come to terms with this: we make mistakes, we regret, we hurt, we learn from the mistakes and we make decisions to not repeat them and to make better choices.
I have gone through this phase and so I believe that in our future relationships with whoever the Lord brings our way, we will do well not to repeat the mistakes we made to each other. I believe that we will serve and be more intentional in our dealings with our future spouses because we know what it means to be given a good thing and lose it.
I pray you do not awaken a woman's love before its time.
I pray that when you do choose a woman, you stand by your decision and do your very best to protect her heart.
Jesus didn't take our love for granted and as He Is our model (and your Head as a man) I pray that you do same.
I wish you well.
I sincerely do.
It has taken me a lot to get to this point where I can say, "I wish you well".
I have mourned for long and I have sat in this pit for far too long.
It is time to move on.
It is time to fold the sheets and live the life I have been blessed with.
It is time to live life to the full and find the gold in store in this season.
I wish you God's best for you and I pray His direction for you every step of the way.
In His Love,
MarLene.
In this post, I am not going to try to have the right words but I will write as I feel it.
It took a lot to close this chapter.
It took more than a year and I don't know why I had such a tough time letting go.
We never were physical (thank God) but it amazes me how long it has taken me to get to this point.
I think the reason for this is that I connected with your spirit.
I don't know how that works but with you, I felt like I had always known you.
You always were a part of me and I didn't have to try so hard.
With you, I just flowed.
I was caught in your words.
You words built in me a security which assured me that no matter what happened, we were always going to end up with each other.
These same words became my prison sentence because whenever I had wanted to move on and let someone new in, I would be reminded of those words, haunting me and telling me my efforts were in futility.
It has taken a lot to get to this point.
In this process, I have gone blank for months.
I have been a walking dead, going through the motions of life oblivious to what was happening around me.
I planned my life around you.
I wanted to be everything you needed and more.
Letting go, I have had to question the voice of God in my life.
There were times when I thought I was fine so long as I had you in my life.
I made a man God.
I denied my voice expression and I tried to conform to the image you had of me.
But you are not my God.
Why did I give you so much power?
It is because I loved you.
For the first time, I had a love I didn't see coming.
A love I was so sure of.
A love I believe I had heard the Lord's 'yes' concerning.
This time, I didn't go asking for signs.
The signs came to me.
And these signs cemented my resolve that this was of God.
I was so secure and safe knowing I had that part of my life sorted out.
It really has taken a lot for me to get to this point.
To this point where I can write about this and feel no fear.
I let go of who I was just so I could be yours.
I really wanted to serve you.
I wanted to treat you like a King and make sure you had no worries so long as it was in my capacity to do so.
Now here I am, talking about how hard it has taken me to get to this moment.
To be honest, I wished you unhappiness.
I wanted you to be happy but at the same time, I hoped that in your happiness, you would feel a sharp pain in your heart, reminding you of how incomplete this happiness is because I am not in your life.
Yes, here again, I am leaving the recognition of my worth in your hands, hoping that this perceived emptiness would validate my absence in your life.
I gave you my choice. Lord knows in secret, every action, every thought, every prayer, every intention.
My heart has been numbed for years.
My spirit has been quiet for years.
I have been so silent in spirit to the point where this silence is deafening.
My heart is speaking today.
I have doubted my Lord's voice for years.
I have questioned everything I've known, from ministry to my purpose on Earth.
I have lifted hands with a mute spirit.
There have been times when my spirit has wanted to connect to His but has been unable to.
Can I trust His voice?
Is this an Abraham story in Scripture where the Lord says one thing and changes His mind at the last minute?
I stayed long and let go late because I was holding on to what I had believed I heard from Him.
I'm not gonna lie, there were times when I hoped you would call me and say, "You know what? I was wrong and I need you in my life. I choose YOU".
But you know what, you can't force love.
But I only wish you hadn't awoken my love when you knew you had no intentions of keeping the lamp aflame.
I wish you hadn't said, "Let go" when I was holding back if you knew you weren't going to catch me when I did let go.
You saw the fragility of my heart, you saw the purity of my love and you made a choice to play with it. As if "get over it" was that simple.
Love is not a switch you can turn on and off at your convenience.
I have wished you unhappiness.
I have wished that you never forget how you ridiculed my heart for you.
I have wished that when I leave, you wouldn't find joy/happiness because I feared it would mean I was a bad person and it was right I left your life so that blessings would come your way. I didn't want my departure to be a good thing.
But, the thing is you are a Son of God too and so Scripture will abound for you and all things will work for your good.
I am washing myself off the mud I have slept in for all these years because I have come to terms with this: we make mistakes, we regret, we hurt, we learn from the mistakes and we make decisions to not repeat them and to make better choices.
I have gone through this phase and so I believe that in our future relationships with whoever the Lord brings our way, we will do well not to repeat the mistakes we made to each other. I believe that we will serve and be more intentional in our dealings with our future spouses because we know what it means to be given a good thing and lose it.
I pray you do not awaken a woman's love before its time.
I pray that when you do choose a woman, you stand by your decision and do your very best to protect her heart.
Jesus didn't take our love for granted and as He Is our model (and your Head as a man) I pray that you do same.
I wish you well.
I sincerely do.
It has taken me a lot to get to this point where I can say, "I wish you well".
I have mourned for long and I have sat in this pit for far too long.
It is time to move on.
It is time to fold the sheets and live the life I have been blessed with.
It is time to live life to the full and find the gold in store in this season.
I wish you God's best for you and I pray His direction for you every step of the way.
In His Love,
MarLene.
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